What is grief and loss?

Grief is the normal emotional response to losing someone or something important. The most common type of loss is the death of a loved one, including a parent, sibling, relative, or even a family pet. We often have rituals and customs designed to help and support those dealing with the loss, like funerals or friends bringing food. There are other types of loss that are not as clear or concrete, however. Examples include the loss of a job, one’s sense of safety, or even good health. Adults and children often feel a sense of loss after a divorce, a natural disaster, or other traumatic event. Many feel loss when they move away from family and friends or when a military member deploys.

How does grief feel to adults?

Everyone experiences grief differently. Although this list contains some of the most common ways people feel, feeling something that is not listed does not mean that you are not having a normal reaction to a loss.

• Shock, numbness, emptiness
• Anger
• Sadness
• Crying
• Guilt
• Changes in sleep (sleeping too much, not being able to sleep)
• Strange dreams or nightmares
• Changes in appetite
• Lack of motivation
• Absent-mindedness
• Desire to be alone or social withdrawal

How does grief feel to children?

Children tend to react differently to loss than adults. They may exhibit more behavioral and physical signs of grief. Age is also an important factor as it affects their understanding of loss and death. Preschool children do not tend to fully understand the nature of death and may believe that their loved one will come back. Young children frequently engage in "magical thinking", meaning that they believe they have more power than they do; they may believe that they caused the loss by something they did or thought. For example, a child may believe that by wishing someone was dead, she is responsible for that person’s subsequent death. It is also common for children to believe that their loved one has returned in the form of a ghost or spirit, or is still alive somewhere.

Common expressions of grief in children include:

• Anger
• Sadness
• Frequent crying
• Denial or pretending that nothing has happened
• Avoidance
• Confusion
• Changes in sleep
• Changes in appetite
• Strange dreams or nightmares
• Physical complaints, including stomach aches and headaches
• Regression or acting younger than their age
• Clinginess or not wanting to separate from a caregiver
• Guilt
• Irritability
• Temper tantrums
• Acting out (behavior problems)
• Refusing to go to school or other activities
• Social withdrawal

Children must also deal with a disruption to their routines and the unavailability of family members, who are also dealing with their grief and may not be as emotionally or physically available to them.

How long does grief last?

The length of time spent grieving is different for each person. There are many reasons for the differences, including personality, health, coping style, culture, family background, and life experiences. It also depends on the situation and how prepared you were for the loss. For some people, grief lasts a few months. For others, grieving may take longer. It is normal for adults and children to begin to feel better and then re-experience many feelings of grief. Grief often returns at certain dates like a birthday or anniversary or when something triggers a memory; at other times, though, it may return at unexpected moments.

How does grief differ from depression?

Although many symptoms of depression are similar to grief, the duration and cause are different. Grief is a normal reaction to losing a loved one or something you value. Depression lasts longer (typically 6 months or more), is not necessarily connected to a specific situation, and is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain; it is a mental illness.

How should I talk to my child about loss?

It is important to be honest with your child and to use age-appropriate language to ensure that your child understands what you are explaining. Trying to protect children with vague or inaccurate explanations can create anxiety, confusion, and mistrust. It is also helpful to explain your beliefs and rituals around loss. Talk to your child in a quiet, familiar setting. Use a calm, soothing tone and offer comfort. Let your child know that it is normal to feel sad or upset and to miss what or who you have lost. Encourage your child to come to you with any questions or just when she isn’t feeling good. Sometimes children worry about making their parents sad and try to protect adults by not sharing their feelings. Children may need to be reminded that it is grown-ups' jobs to take care of kids and that it is always ok for them to share their feelings with you.

Children should be allowed to express their feelings about their loss and grief in their own way. It may be helpful to devise a way for the child to acknowledge her loss in a concrete way, which may be more meaningful for her than traditional expressions or rituals. Examples include lighting a candle together, making a scrapbook, looking at photographs, or sharing memories.

Please visit the Readings section for a list of books that can be helpful in talking to a child about loss and grief.

When should I seek help for my child?

In many circumstances, it can be helpful for children and their families to talk to others about their feelings of grief and loss. Some children greatly benefit from support groups where they can share their feelings and learn that they are not alone in how they feel. If your child is exhibiting what appears to be an extreme reaction or if his grief seems to be lasting longer than expected without improvement, we recommend consulting with a mental health professional.

Some signs that your child may be having a problem include:

• An extended period of depression, including a continued lack of interest in favorite activities or events
• Seeming to always be angry or unhappy
• Persistent sleep problems
• Prolonged fear of being alone or separation anxiety
• Repeatedly talking about wanting to join the dead person or other suicidal thoughts
• Withdrawal from friends and family
• Decline in school performance or refusing to attend school
• Long-term denial
• Any of the above expressions of grief lasting longer than a few months